I really just need to vent.

My husbands family is out of control.  They are pushing and prodding at him and he just constantly lets it get to him.  He needs to brush it off and move on with his live, but he lets their little emotional and hurtful digs and comments bring him down.  I know it’s not easy, and I love how hard he tries.  We pray for them every night.  They all need it in their own ways.  But sometimes it just gets to be more than he can handle.  God bless him.  He hasn’t let this latest round of drama affect his recovery.  He’s staid tried and true to the path he laid out.  It has affected his mood, his behavior, and other aspects of his life, but not his recovery this time.  This is a huge step for him and for us.  Its a step towards rebuilding the trust that was shattered.  I’m grateful for that opportunity, but wish it came under better circumstances.  His aunt wished me dead by drunk driver earlier today.  I don’t know what I am even supposed to say to that?  I have talked on here before about how I feel.  Drunk driving is the stupidest crime.  I cannot and will not tolerate it.  As an addiction’s counseling student I know how serious a disease alcoholism can be.  But drunk driving is beyond stupid.  For someone to wish me death by the one thing I hate more than anything is just a low blow.

Then there is my friends.  I love my good friend E to death.  She has been having a hard time with her husband lately.  We’ve talked about it a lot, and I can really relate to what she is struggling with.  What kills me, is I am really starting to get annoyed with her husband.  I have done some volunteer work for a company he is trying to start in the past, and I am happy to do it at any time, he knows this.  But a month or so back he send me an email to come to a staff meeting for an important event and that everyone had to be there.  Well he had never ASKED about this event, and when I informed him I wouldn’t be available because I had something previously scheduled that day he got annoyed with me.  Things have been really kind of chilly between us since then.  A few months before that my husband and I were considering buying a house.  Of course I IMed my friends first thing when we found a great place, because I was excited and what is the purpose of having friends if you can’t share your excitement with them and share in their excitement?  He of course, was  completely jealous that we might be getting a house, started asking me all these questions like “how can you afford that?” and “isn’t your credit worse than ours?”.  When I explained that my credit was fine, my husbands was crap, and we got an FHA loan he just stopped talking to me.  No end to the conversation, nothing.  And then I find out he blocked me from following him on twitter.  Why? IDK, but that’s lame.  I don’t know what I did to piss him off to that point, but I’m really tired of having to tip toe around him.  And it sucks cuz E and I are such great friends, and our husbands used to be as well.  I just don’t know what happened, what changed, or what I did?  I want friends in my life that lift me up and support me.  I’m doing my best, I really don’t want this to affect my friendship with E.  I hope she knows I’ll always be there, even if her husband keeps up.

I guess in reality that’s it.  I feel a little better now with somethings off my chest.  I promise not to be gone so long this time, and my next post will be much more on topic

Cheers!

I can’t find my answers, I can’t find my solution, and I was consciously aware that I skimmed past the bible several times in the hopes of finding something else to read and answer my question.  Like that long lost BFF from High School, I say hi to God on a regular basis.  We exchange emails, I have tagged him in a few pictures from back in the day, and I am reminded when it is his birthday.  That’s it.  I don’t share the intimate details of my life, I don’t pick up a phone and call, I don’t know where he lives.

Yet you see his name and avatar on my Facebook page everyday, and you would think we were the best of friends.

I still have a substantial amount of student loans, but that’s ok.  I’m not done with school yet, there is still time to pay that back, I am not sweating over it.  There is also another debt on which my husband has legal action pending against someone else, but that one will be resolved shortly.  So that’s it.  No past due credit cards, no past due medical debt, no outstanding personal loans.  Zilch Nada Zip.  Its done and I LOVE IT!

On top of that I have been sick for almost 4 weeks now.  I’m not ill, or nauseous, or even congested.  I am just exhausted! I sleep like 20hrs a day and I have a cough that just won’t quit.  I don’t think I am depressed…  I have been depressed before and this is nothing like that.  This is purely a physical exhaustion, not a mental one.  But if I am not depressed what is wrong with me?  Hopefully this passes soon.  With him depressed, and me sick nothing is getting done around here.  We haven’t cooked in weeks, I haven’t done laundry in weeks, and my homework is starting to back up.

Ugh.. Any good home remedies?

I am a seasoned pro when it comes to 12-step meetings.  I have been to more than my fair share over the last 4 years.  I have attended AA, NA, Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, S-Anon, and COSA to name a few. Since the assignment was to attend a meeting you have not attended in the past I chose to attend Cocaine Anonymous (CA) in Indianapolis this past Monday.
The first 12-step meeting I ever attended was an Al-Anon meeting in March of 2006.  At the time I was living in Boston, MA.  I hopped on the T, the Boston subway system, early in the morning and took the green line out near Boston University.  It was cold and foggy.  I remember sitting on the T feeling like everyone knew where I was going, everyone was staring at me, judging me.  How did all these strangers know my family’s secret?  I didn’t have a problem, I was headed somewhere I didn’t belong.
I was anxious, nervous, embarrassed.  I felt defensive, I thought of all the things I would say so people wouldn’t get the wrong idea about me. When I got there that all quickly changed.  I didn’t know anyone at the meeting, yet I seemed to know everyone.  Its a hard feeling to describe to someone who had never been in that situation.
As I drove downtown this past Monday I had a lot of those same feelings that I had experienced 4 years ago, anxiety, nervousness, and defensive.  However these were for different reasons.  I couldn’t overcome the feeling that I was going somewhere I didn’t belong.  I felt as though I had been sent on a mission, to spy on unsuspecting strangers.  I had attended a meeting Sunday night.  I replayed what I had shared over and over in my head and thought about how my response would have been different if there was someone in the room “just observing.”
The meeting ran just like every other 12-step meeting.  There was an opening prayer, a discussion, and check-in.  As I looked around the room I spotted two people who were new right away.  They were anxious and fidgety, avoiding eye contact with others in the room.  One young man was in attendance with his parents.  His father, a recovering alcoholic for 14 years, spoke at check-in spoke about the impact his drinking had on his sons choices at this point in life.  I have never experienced a family attending a 12-step together.  I have gone to AA and NA meetings with my mother in the past but I have never participated.  It was very uplifting to share in their experience, strength, and hope.
I liked the relatively small number of people in attendance.  There were 11.  I have attended large Al-Anon meetings in Boston that held 30-40 people at a time, and in contrast I attend a COSA meeting that regularly has 2-3 people.  I know I tend to get more out of a smaller meeting, and I think that that holds true across the board.  Recovery is deeply personal, and you don’t want anyone to feel lost in the crowd.
I also really enjoyed the man who led the group discussion.  His topic for the week was Step 3. We “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him (Cocaine).”  His testimony of the good that God has done in his life and with his life was honest and inspiring.
I did not like having to call to find a meeting.  The Indiana chapter of CA has a non-functioning website.  I feel like calling to find a meeting takes personal interaction and is a much bigger step than looking a time up online.  I don’t know if I would have ever taken that step and gone to my first meeting if I had to call and talk to a person.  This could be keeping people away who really need the help and support.
I also don’t like the open meeting format.  The core of the 12 steps and 12 traditions is anonymity.  The open meeting format allows anyone entrance into a safe and protected environment.  If you are curious about CA or have a loved one that could benefit and you want to see what its all about then contact a group and ask to come.  I know my groups would be ok with that.  I think to issue a blanket invitation to anyone to come and sit in on a meeting for any reason places a hole in the system that protects the Anonymity of members.  I know I would never attend an open meeting.  I can talk to anyone who asks about the problems in my family with alcoholism, drug and sex addiction, and the impact that has had on my life.  I choose to be open and honest and share with the hope that my honesty will some day help someone.  But the open meeting makes that decision for me and other attendants.  That I don’t agree with.
My impression of the 12 Traditions is simple. CA (or any group) is an anonymous program.  We identify by our first name.  Confidentiality and anonymity foster safety in our environment.  While our stories, personalities, circumstances, and backgrounds may differ, we all share effects of addiction in our lives.  We ask that you listen for your identification with the similarities between us rather than comparing the differences.  It is not a place to solicit or a membership meant to exclude.  Everyone should feel welcome at all times and should not be pressured by financial concerns or the fear of judgment.
12-step groups do not work for everyone.  Your success or failure in a 12 step group depends not only on your personality and commitment, but on the personality and commitment of those around you.  You need more that 12 steps and 12 traditions.  You need a support system.  You need God.  I know that the 12 steps, while loosely based on the concept of God, are non-religious.  You have a “higher power” that can be God, it can be mother nature, it can be Buddha, it can be yourself.  It has been my experience and is my belief that the 12 steps are most beneficial and successful to those who find God or develop a closer relationship with God along the way.
12-step groups provide a support system and a group of caring individuals to those who may not have one.  This is a major component to the success of CA, AA, Al-Anon and the like.  Recovering from an addiction is a journey you walk for yourself, at your own pace, and according to your needs, but it is not a journey you walk alone.  The sense of belonging, of acceptance, of hope is critical to the esteem and success of a recovering addict in a 12-step group.
I think another important key to success in a 12-step group is that it be a part of your recovery, not your entire recovery.  I would recommend to anyone who thinks they could benefit from a 12-step group, that they would probably benefit from counseling as well.  While the steps touch on the reasons why one may be an addict, they do not address them in detail.  If you are addicted to pornography because you were molested as a child, no step can help you successfully deal with that trauma.  If you are an alcoholic because your parents were alcoholics, no step can help you successfully deal with the neglect and abuse you may have experienced as a child.  I think that the 12 steps grouped with a renewed faith in God and an individual counseling program create a recipe for success.
My favorite thing about the 12 steps is the structure.  They are essentially a road map to recovery.  You don’t need to figure out where to go next or what to do.  It is all laid out in front of you and you just continue along the path.  This allows you to experience the pain, emotion, and joy of recovery with out being bogged down in the logistics.
I also believe that the 12 steps are common sense.  For people with out addictions in their lives, these things are simple.  They are building blocks for a healthier you.  The 12 steps can be applied to any aspect of your life.  I am powerless over the reckless driver on 465.  I have admitted when I was wrong and apologized to my brother for calling him fat when we were kids.  I have deepened my relationship with God by praying for sanity, forgiveness of my sins, to help me overcome my shortcomings, and to be a constant force in my life.
All that said, the 12 steps are not perfect.  There is a lot of room and tendency to use the 12 steps to avoid personal responsibility in early recovery.  It is easy to say, I am powerless this is God’s, my Mom’s, my neighbor, my teacher’s fault.  I am powerless and I am unable to control what happens.  Eventually through recovery this tendency goes away, but it is an easy trap to fall into early on.
As a christian, I don’t like the term “higher power” or “God as we understand him.”  As I said before, I think God is key to recovery.  Standing your ground in your faith is important.  I know one meeting I attend there are a few people who don’t believe in God.  I hate having to watch my self and make sure I say “higher power” so as not to offend anyone.
It is interesting to reflect on my own journey.  I have done all 12 steps four times.  My favorite steps is the hardest one. Step One. We admitted we were powerless and that our lives had become unmanageable (Cocaine).  It took me 8 months to get through step one the first time.  Accepting that you can not control the affects of Cocaine, that you can’t bargain, bribe, or reason with an alcoholic to stop drinking is the most liberating experience.  When you stop putting so much effort into the things you can not control, you are able to focus your efforts into areas where it will do some good.  With out step one, steps 2-12 won’t work.
Once you reach step 12 the journey doesn’t end. I don’t have a least favorite step.  I think they are all essential and important.  My other favorite step is step 12.  We try to carry this message to other addicts and practice these principles.  I do this with the hope that I can help someone else.  God has helped me, and others, over come addictions in our lives.  They may be your own or those of the ones you love.  Regardless, the peace and serenity that comes with step 12 is a gift.  A gift that is meant to be shared.  The 12 steps reach their ultimate fulfillment in the giving back of those who have completed them.  The counselor who knows what its like and is ready to help others walk that journey, the alcoholic who has been sober 25 years and still attends a weekly AA meeting to give hope to those just starting, or the stranger you never expected to become your best friend.

References

Cocaine Anonymous World Services. The 12 steps and the 12 Traditions.
http://ca.org/12and12.html. 28 March 2010

After ranting a response almost 3 pages in length about the evil that is pornography, lol (I *may have been* slightly emotional when I wrote it) I think I narrowed it down to something that is firm and explains me with out getting to “personal”.

As a christian  I don’t believe pornography is acceptable in any form.  However in addition pornography has become increasingly “hard core” in the last few decades, its a far cry from the Playboy your Grandfather hid under his mattress during boot camp.

I firmly believe pornography creates problems in society that are bigger than one individuals right to view explicit material.  It is my goal in private practice to become a CSAT (certified sexual addiction counselor).  As part of my progress toward that goal I have been reading many of the required articles for certification, even though I am many years from my MSW.  One of the articles I read recently was The Anatomy of Arousal by Patrick Carnes.  As he points out, sexuality on the internet has done some societal good.  Placing forums online for people with similar tastes to gather and meet.  It has helped breakdown some of the stereotypes surrounding things such as homosexuality, healthy fetishes, and other differences in normal sexual behavior.

However the pornography industry has expanded at an alarming rate.  Many of the sites out there promote a normalization of behavior that is often illegal and at the very least exploitative.  It promotes erotic fantasies that are built on the vulnerability of women, anger, power, control, and often abuse.  Its ease and accessibility has lead to an increase in compulsive sexual behavior which can destroy a persons life in the same way as alcohol, cocaine, and other illegal drugs.

I believe in the strict censoring of explicit material, including pornography.  I would support an end to pornography, but I don’t see that being a viable option that is worth my time in pursuing, it would be futile.  I do not believe pornography to be an artistic expression.  I am a professional photographer and I have photographed nude/semi nude women (and sometimes men) quite often in my career.  I find the female body to be incredibly beautiful and, when displayed properly, quite artistic.  I do not post these pictures on my website because I understand that there are people out there who would use these images as objects of sexual arousal.  Pornography has desensitized our sexuality on a societal level.  For many men simple nudity is no longer enough.  Just as with cocaine or alcohol stimulates the brain, becomes ‘normal’, and then larger amounts are required to get the same high; masturbation to pornography releases chemicals and eventually harder-core material is required to achieve the same high.  Not all people who view pornography cross the line into illegal acts but people who develop compulsive pornography behaviors are much more likely to become sex offenders.

While some may argue that people who view pornography and those that produce it have rights that are protected under the first amendment that is their view.  However, I also have rights.  I have the right to object to the production of pornographic material.  I have the right to raise my children in a moral society.  I have the right to express my opinion and maintain my views.  As I believe pornography to be purely exploitative and of no benefit to society, I see no rights being violated by shutting the industry down.  I don’t want my daughters to develope a self-image that promotes promiscuity as a means of achieving a relationship, nor do I want my sons to believe that masculine self-image includes the “use” of women.  Pornography promotes negative gender-roles and children are becoming increasingly socialized to this kind of material and behavior at an alarmingly young age.

Patrick Carnes article and other CSAT material found here: http://sexhelpworkshops.com/SuggestedReadings.htm

*I do want to note, that this question was about pornography so my answer is directed in that area.  I could go on about the parenting mistakes, general lack of morals, and other factors as well, but that was not the question.

I am majoring in Addiction Studies, and one of my class assignments it to attend a substance abuse 12step and then write a response paper.  I can’t shake the feeling that I don’t belong.  Yes there are “open” meetings where non-addicts are allowed to attend, and that is when I will be going, but I still feel like I can’t.  I would be very guarded and off put if there were someone at a COSA meeting who didn’t belong and was just sitting in the back taking notes so they could write a report about us latter.  I feel like I am in someway violating the 12step process by attending a meeting where I don’t belong,  I am not comfortable being the person in the back I mentioned before.  A 12step group is a safe place for recovery, not a fish tank.