I Love A Sex Addict

12-Step Visit April 2, 2010

A few of you emailed asking how that 12-step visit went that I was worried about.  I don’t feel like writing a whole blog right now, so here is the paper I typed up for class.

I am a seasoned pro when it comes to 12-step meetings.  I have been to more than my fair share over the last 4 years.  I have attended AA, NA, Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, S-Anon, and COSA to name a few. Since the assignment was to attend a meeting you have not attended in the past I chose to attend Cocaine Anonymous (CA) in Indianapolis this past Monday.
The first 12-step meeting I ever attended was an Al-Anon meeting in March of 2006.  At the time I was living in Boston, MA.  I hopped on the T, the Boston subway system, early in the morning and took the green line out near Boston University.  It was cold and foggy.  I remember sitting on the T feeling like everyone knew where I was going, everyone was staring at me, judging me.  How did all these strangers know my family’s secret?  I didn’t have a problem, I was headed somewhere I didn’t belong.
I was anxious, nervous, embarrassed.  I felt defensive, I thought of all the things I would say so people wouldn’t get the wrong idea about me. When I got there that all quickly changed.  I didn’t know anyone at the meeting, yet I seemed to know everyone.  Its a hard feeling to describe to someone who had never been in that situation.
As I drove downtown this past Monday I had a lot of those same feelings that I had experienced 4 years ago, anxiety, nervousness, and defensive.  However these were for different reasons.  I couldn’t overcome the feeling that I was going somewhere I didn’t belong.  I felt as though I had been sent on a mission, to spy on unsuspecting strangers.  I had attended a meeting Sunday night.  I replayed what I had shared over and over in my head and thought about how my response would have been different if there was someone in the room “just observing.”
The meeting ran just like every other 12-step meeting.  There was an opening prayer, a discussion, and check-in.  As I looked around the room I spotted two people who were new right away.  They were anxious and fidgety, avoiding eye contact with others in the room.  One young man was in attendance with his parents.  His father, a recovering alcoholic for 14 years, spoke at check-in spoke about the impact his drinking had on his sons choices at this point in life.  I have never experienced a family attending a 12-step together.  I have gone to AA and NA meetings with my mother in the past but I have never participated.  It was very uplifting to share in their experience, strength, and hope.
I liked the relatively small number of people in attendance.  There were 11.  I have attended large Al-Anon meetings in Boston that held 30-40 people at a time, and in contrast I attend a COSA meeting that regularly has 2-3 people.  I know I tend to get more out of a smaller meeting, and I think that that holds true across the board.  Recovery is deeply personal, and you don’t want anyone to feel lost in the crowd.
I also really enjoyed the man who led the group discussion.  His topic for the week was Step 3. We “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him (Cocaine).”  His testimony of the good that God has done in his life and with his life was honest and inspiring.
I did not like having to call to find a meeting.  The Indiana chapter of CA has a non-functioning website.  I feel like calling to find a meeting takes personal interaction and is a much bigger step than looking a time up online.  I don’t know if I would have ever taken that step and gone to my first meeting if I had to call and talk to a person.  This could be keeping people away who really need the help and support.
I also don’t like the open meeting format.  The core of the 12 steps and 12 traditions is anonymity.  The open meeting format allows anyone entrance into a safe and protected environment.  If you are curious about CA or have a loved one that could benefit and you want to see what its all about then contact a group and ask to come.  I know my groups would be ok with that.  I think to issue a blanket invitation to anyone to come and sit in on a meeting for any reason places a hole in the system that protects the Anonymity of members.  I know I would never attend an open meeting.  I can talk to anyone who asks about the problems in my family with alcoholism, drug and sex addiction, and the impact that has had on my life.  I choose to be open and honest and share with the hope that my honesty will some day help someone.  But the open meeting makes that decision for me and other attendants.  That I don’t agree with.
My impression of the 12 Traditions is simple. CA (or any group) is an anonymous program.  We identify by our first name.  Confidentiality and anonymity foster safety in our environment.  While our stories, personalities, circumstances, and backgrounds may differ, we all share effects of addiction in our lives.  We ask that you listen for your identification with the similarities between us rather than comparing the differences.  It is not a place to solicit or a membership meant to exclude.  Everyone should feel welcome at all times and should not be pressured by financial concerns or the fear of judgment.
12-step groups do not work for everyone.  Your success or failure in a 12 step group depends not only on your personality and commitment, but on the personality and commitment of those around you.  You need more that 12 steps and 12 traditions.  You need a support system.  You need God.  I know that the 12 steps, while loosely based on the concept of God, are non-religious.  You have a “higher power” that can be God, it can be mother nature, it can be Buddha, it can be yourself.  It has been my experience and is my belief that the 12 steps are most beneficial and successful to those who find God or develop a closer relationship with God along the way.
12-step groups provide a support system and a group of caring individuals to those who may not have one.  This is a major component to the success of CA, AA, Al-Anon and the like.  Recovering from an addiction is a journey you walk for yourself, at your own pace, and according to your needs, but it is not a journey you walk alone.  The sense of belonging, of acceptance, of hope is critical to the esteem and success of a recovering addict in a 12-step group.
I think another important key to success in a 12-step group is that it be a part of your recovery, not your entire recovery.  I would recommend to anyone who thinks they could benefit from a 12-step group, that they would probably benefit from counseling as well.  While the steps touch on the reasons why one may be an addict, they do not address them in detail.  If you are addicted to pornography because you were molested as a child, no step can help you successfully deal with that trauma.  If you are an alcoholic because your parents were alcoholics, no step can help you successfully deal with the neglect and abuse you may have experienced as a child.  I think that the 12 steps grouped with a renewed faith in God and an individual counseling program create a recipe for success.
My favorite thing about the 12 steps is the structure.  They are essentially a road map to recovery.  You don’t need to figure out where to go next or what to do.  It is all laid out in front of you and you just continue along the path.  This allows you to experience the pain, emotion, and joy of recovery with out being bogged down in the logistics.
I also believe that the 12 steps are common sense.  For people with out addictions in their lives, these things are simple.  They are building blocks for a healthier you.  The 12 steps can be applied to any aspect of your life.  I am powerless over the reckless driver on 465.  I have admitted when I was wrong and apologized to my brother for calling him fat when we were kids.  I have deepened my relationship with God by praying for sanity, forgiveness of my sins, to help me overcome my shortcomings, and to be a constant force in my life.
All that said, the 12 steps are not perfect.  There is a lot of room and tendency to use the 12 steps to avoid personal responsibility in early recovery.  It is easy to say, I am powerless this is God’s, my Mom’s, my neighbor, my teacher’s fault.  I am powerless and I am unable to control what happens.  Eventually through recovery this tendency goes away, but it is an easy trap to fall into early on.
As a christian, I don’t like the term “higher power” or “God as we understand him.”  As I said before, I think God is key to recovery.  Standing your ground in your faith is important.  I know one meeting I attend there are a few people who don’t believe in God.  I hate having to watch my self and make sure I say “higher power” so as not to offend anyone.
It is interesting to reflect on my own journey.  I have done all 12 steps four times.  My favorite steps is the hardest one. Step One. We admitted we were powerless and that our lives had become unmanageable (Cocaine).  It took me 8 months to get through step one the first time.  Accepting that you can not control the affects of Cocaine, that you can’t bargain, bribe, or reason with an alcoholic to stop drinking is the most liberating experience.  When you stop putting so much effort into the things you can not control, you are able to focus your efforts into areas where it will do some good.  With out step one, steps 2-12 won’t work.
Once you reach step 12 the journey doesn’t end. I don’t have a least favorite step.  I think they are all essential and important.  My other favorite step is step 12.  We try to carry this message to other addicts and practice these principles.  I do this with the hope that I can help someone else.  God has helped me, and others, over come addictions in our lives.  They may be your own or those of the ones you love.  Regardless, the peace and serenity that comes with step 12 is a gift.  A gift that is meant to be shared.  The 12 steps reach their ultimate fulfillment in the giving back of those who have completed them.  The counselor who knows what its like and is ready to help others walk that journey, the alcoholic who has been sober 25 years and still attends a weekly AA meeting to give hope to those just starting, or the stranger you never expected to become your best friend.

References

Cocaine Anonymous World Services. The 12 steps and the 12 Traditions.
http://ca.org/12and12.html. 28 March 2010