I Love A Sex Addict

Despite many sleepless nights and the coldest feet anyone has ever experienced, Alex and I got married this past Saturday.

It was a rough decision to marry Alex, even though I know about his addiction. It is scary knowing that one day he could spiral out of control into an “actual” affair and devastate my life. At the same time, there are many other risks in marriage, as in life. I could die when I get in the car, but I still drive. Alex could be shot at work, but he still does his job and enjoys it.

I unfortunately did find out about an instance of acting out the morning of our wedding, but I found out from Alex himself. He was up front and honest with me, and it was almost like a gift. I was almost happy to hear him say “I ordered porn”.

I just wanted to stop by my blog and let everyone know I was not dead. I have just been so busy. Hopefully I will start blogging more when the new year comes.

Best holiday wishes to all if I don’t “speak” to you before then.

If you happen to read my blog and you don’t read A Room of Mama’s Own then you need to.  Mary is so inspirational.  She really helps me see that one day this will all be ok.  That one day, regardless of Alex’s decisions, I will be able to be content with who I am.  So she is doing a “Just for Today Challenge“.

Image by: catdancing on Flickr Licensed under CC BY-NC 2.0

So What will I be doing for a day? Putting my iPhone in a drawer. Far away. I am constantly in contact with everyone, email, text, twitter, you name it. I can’t even imagine how many hours a day I waste on my phone focused on what other people are doing. Focused on things that don’t better my life, and in someways worsen it because of all the time I waste. So for one day. No twitter, No email, No text, No Alex, No friends, No School. Just me. I think I will go out with my camera. Its been a long time since I have done that and no one was paying me. I need to reconnect with my creative side and life just gets in the way.

I had a good childhood.  I never wanted for material goods, and I never went hungry.  I was my grandmothers pride and joy.  Her star.  My grandmother gave up 20 years of her life to raise me.  Long after her kids were grown she still cared for me well into her retirement years.  And i was never to forget it.  I was her second chance.  I was raised with a keen awareness of all the failures and embarrassments of my Aunts, Uncles, and Mother.  She never missed an opportunity to instruct me in how to make up for those failures.

But it worked for me.  I was happy.  I got straight A’s, I always finished 1st, and I never failed at anything.  If it took private tutors, after school enrichment for gifted children, or individual Spanish lessons my success was guaranteed, and was the key to a happy life.  It kept my self view of grandeur alive, and the love poured in from my grandparents.  I was always at the top of my game, and always loved.

When I was 13 I placed 2nd in a statewide piano competition.  I had practiced almost 3hrs a day, everyday, for the month leading up to the competition.  I was tired and exhausted, but the attention and publicity kept me going.  I was high on success, as usual.  When the finalists were announced and prizes awarded I ran out of the auditorium in tears.  2nd place.  That was by far the worst moment of my life.  I searched frantically for my Grandparents.  When I located them I ran towards my grandma.  I longed for a maternal hug, one that would make everything better.  She was clutching her purse.  She gave it to my grandfather and extended her hands.  As I prepared for an embrace she placed a firm grip on one shoulder and raised the other hand, finger pointed, toward my face.  I don’t remember what she said, but I remember that finger of disappointment.

It was a long ride home, but when we got there she sat me down at the piano.  She told me to play.  To play the song until I got it right.  I refused and walked away.  My grandfather grabbed me by the arms and sat me back down.  He held me there while she screamed.  While she yelled in my face.  I cried, I yelled, I tried everything to get away.  I remember realizing I had no control over my life.  I was going to have none of that.  When I finally freeed myself I stood up and shouted “go to hell!” She quickly raised her hand and slapped me.  This had never happened before, or since.  I was in disbelief. I went to my room and stayed there for days.

The following weeks were awful.  I was loud and violent.  I quickly realized that acting this way was not getting the response I wanted.  And as quickly as this behavior had set in, it left.  If I was going to be loved I needed to behave like someone you would love.  If I was angry I would go to my room and torture myself for feeling that way, If I was sad I would curl up and cry for being so weak.  Only now do I look back and realize how depressed I was.  I was able to put on a happy face and focus my way through life for the next several years.  As long as I was focused I wouldn’t have time to feel.  This determination to avoid the pain I was feeling led to a whole new level of success. I was not only a 4.0 student in AP classes, but I was more politically savvy than most adults, I could converse with a table full of people twice my age, I had more than artistic talent, I know had artistic know how and history to back it up.  I was quite literally high on knowledge.  Anything to avoid the being angry or sad.  And eventually that turned into anything to avoid being angry, sad, happy, frustrated, proud, ect.  Any feeling was bad feeling.  My feelings weren’t logical, and only logic made sense, only logic was stable, only logic and success earned love.

When I was 15 I met Alex.  I loved spending time with him.  He was my best friend, and he fit well with my friends.  I don’t think it was chance that all my friends were Intellectually inferior to me.  The were less artistic, or less musical, or worse at tennis, or something.  I didn’t make friends with people better than me.  I liked that even my worse was better than my friends best, and Alex was no exception.  He was failing a class I was excelling at.  I loved being in a relationship with someone who needed my superiority to survive.  I never let my guard down with him.  I was smart, funny, unemotional, and happy.  Then came and went our first fight.

The next day we were still together.  To my surprise he didn’t leave because we had a fight.  Argument after argument he was still there.  No matter what he welcomed me to school every morning with a kiss.  He was able to show me the kind of unconditionally love I had been desperately searching for my entire life.  In my mind someone who loved me like that could do no wrong.  As I slowly got more comfortable with him the fighting escalated.  I have been violent, verbally abusive, and hurtful to him.  All because I know he will take it.  I took his unconditional love and demanded he earn mine conditionally.  It wasn’t fair.  Overtime I learned to love him unconditionally.  I can say that I do love  him for better or worse, what ever that may bring.

Now that Alex’s addiction has come to light I have reason to be justifyably mad.  His actions and attitude deserve my anger.  But my rage and pleeding falls on deaf ears.  In my opionon Alex has never had the ability or the emotional maturity to be intimately involved in a relationship.  But I also realize I have made a difficult situation next to impossible.  It leaves me feeling sad.  A feeling I never learned to express.

I have conditional love from my grandparents, they love my pride and success

I have unconditional love from Alex, he will never leave, no matter what kind of crap comes up he will be there tomorrow. He can deal with my rage.

But who will deal with my sadness?  I am so jealous of the world.  I long for a small piece of the Alex the world sees.  The Alex who will make time for a friend or a stranger in need, but can’t make time for me.  The Alex who is compassionate and giving.  The Alex who protects and shelters the weak, I need him to protect me.  I need the Alex who is a leader to be a leader at home.  I take Alex for better or worse.  And I am happy to take his Worst if that is all he has to give.

I just pray that through hard work and a lot of Grace from God we can find a way to work this all out and build a new foundation.  One that will propel two adults to new successes and foster healthy and sucessfull children.